Weight goals

Hey everyone it's Julia mother freaking Badbutt today I thought i thought I'd talk about my constant weight problem. 

I have this ocd about having the perfect body

 

I've wanted a boob job since the age of 16  I felt like my body would be more proportioned if I had bigger boobs and I thought I would looked skinnier if my boobs were bigger. So I saved and I saved and I bought my boobs at the age of 19 here are my before and after pictures 

Lol I look back at these pictures and don't even remember my boobs being this small. When I got my boobs done I had the perfect fit body I would run constantly and I was so in shape with these nice ass abs and legs. After I got my boobjob I stopped working out cause I was just incapable of lifting anything and my boobs hurt my back and I just used it as an excuse to eat like a fat slob I weight a good 135 pounds before my boob job. After everything was healed and I was capable of working out at the gym again i gains weight like crazy I was 160 pounds. Running 1 mile hurt my shins so bad to the point where I would have to stop every ten steps it was such an embarrassment. Especially having people around me seeing me struggle when I was once known as a "beast" after my boob job I never lost weight like I used to. I can't even do my push-ups the same. When I got to the point of 162 pounds I lost it and dedicated my life to the gym. I lose 20 pounds and weighed a great 140 and I felt great

I felt like the baddest bitch knowing i had it in me to control my weight I was discipline and I determined. I would meal prep and my life was 100 focused on fitness. Sad part about it was my whole like was centered around it I didn't have friends and I have no time to be happy and enjoy life. Yes being in shape made me happy but life without making videos and laughing and hanging out with friends made me sad. After I got to 140 I just stopped and enjoyed my weight. 

Here I am at 150 again and kinda sad. I was prepping for spring break and my boss once again said it would most likely not get approved so I got really depressed and I let my self get fat again. Eating and eating and eat. It sucks cause when I gain weight. I get really awkward rolls on my back I constantly have to try and find angles that hide it. I'm not used to being this thick  is used to weigh 120 

I stand around my friends and I'm always the biggest one. I wear like a size nine in jeans. When I'm alone I love it I'm like damn I got a fat ass I'm thick as fuck. But the way my stomach is set up I have really thick skin and when I sit down my fuck fat is just there dating back at me its hella fucking awkward. I love my thick legs but I don't like that my gut matches lol. Sometimes I'm like fuck I wanna be skinny but sometimes I'm like fuck I love my legs.

And here I am 30 pounds later. So this is crazy but I'm getting LIPO this summer. Cause it's my life. And I want to. I'm not telling anyone that's the only way you can be beautiful or I'm not disciplined enough to get my body back but my natural body shape would never allow me to get the curves I envision in my head. I love my body don't get me wrong I love me. But I want a tiny waist. I never asked to be anyone's role model I'm just simply sharing My story and saying its 2015 people are so judgmental for no reason. Accept people for who they are cause you'll be so much more happier 

DO want YOU want to do. You have one life to live.

 Leave comments or questions and I'll write back hope you enjoyed. Don't leave opinions though cause honestly mine is the only one that matters lol

Don't judge me part 1.

It's funny I say don't judge me huh ?

For one, I act like I don't care about being judged. I'm a nutjob and being a nutjob makes me my happiest. The look on people's faces after I do something random like "wow julia is so full of life I can't believe she just did that" makes me happy. Knowing I have to super power to make someone smile is mind blowing I get high off of it.

If you could see my phone and click on my "notes" in my iPhone you'd see my online diary. It used to be on the Internet but after I grew a "fan base" I was so scared because I get really personal and the people who I used to write about I could have potentially hurt there ego with all the eyes on me. Thousands and thousands of notes. Everyday I write and write. Because to me when I'm extremely hurt or inspired I try and remember what I felt so the next time I remember what do do or how to feel and handle situations better.

Well I decided to write again because so much great things are going on in my life and I wanna look back and remember how it all started. 

This was my facial expression at work when they told me my terminal leave packet had yet to be turned and and I might be staying in the army longer than I thought I was. I was hurt and angry and very frustrated I wanted to throw up my hands and punch the closest person to me in the face and make them get my stuff done. Unfortunately in the army I'm nothing but gum stuck on the bottom of a homeless mans shoe. I'm all about controlling the controllables . So when something's going on in my life I have no control over I lose it , I flip and I go crazy I turn into a fireball and wanna break things and make a scene . I can't control my anger. So that ruined my weekend this week.

Some people probably wonder what it's like to live a day in my life. My life is fun, I love my life. I created my own happiness. You have it in you to wake up and tell yourself you're gonna have a good day. I remind myself of my goals every single day. But i go through things just like you do. I have feelings. I feel jealousy and I feel hurt and I feel hate and I feel belittled. The people I allow into my life I expect to be my backbone if not then my life goes south when I feel like the closest people in my life don't believe in me I crawl into my little hole in my brain and re evaluate what in doing with my life. 

What's going on in my life currently:

Bizzy crook offered me a job to become is PR for those of you who don't know what that is its public relations kind of like marketing. I was so happy with the news the first person I told was a really close pal someone I lean on for support cause they're really smart and successful. I don't know if it was jealousy but they didn't support me and kinda laughed at me. My eyes instantly became teary eyed along with suddenly becoming unmotivated my heart just told me to push through and show everyone I accomplish what I always say I will and won't stop til I'm the best. But it hurt. It felt like I just got punched in the stomach and it made me build a wall. In the back of my head I said to myself maybe I should just keep my goals to myself until I find someone who really believes in me

Yall always say julia don't listen to what other people say. I get that but I'm fucking human. I would be a robot if I didn't care what people had to say. I'm allowed to  so i will continue to do as I please.

 

I'm a brat and I'm bossy that's why I don't have boyfriends I've been played with so much I don't have any room in my body to allow bullshit in. I have goals to accomplish. And I have no room for mistakes, especially time. I do not have time to waste on negativity. 

I get out of the army in a few months and as the days get closer to my ETS I become happier I will be moving to LA and attending the school of my dreams NYFA fur thing my career in filmmaking and acting. 

I'm a daydreamer and I would like to  keep it that way as much as I would love to settle down no one will accept me for me like I accept me for me which is why I know I'm a bachelor. I have a serious side to me that no one sees except the people close to me I like to be alone a lot of my time. And I like to link up with my friends when it comes to activities. I haven't found my friend that I'm in love with yet. Last friend I had the super connection with was Anjee and our friendship was destroyed with lies. She hid stuff from me and stabbed me in the back. The one before that was becki she made me so happy but we fell off after being bad together in school where our parents didn't let us see each other anymore. I jut want that one friend that I can do everything with even if that mean lay side my side hearing each other breath and still enjoying it. Claudia great because she supports my delicious but we don't connect like you guys think we do. It's more of the sister bond than the BESTFRIEND bond.

Lately I've been distant from her and Natalia just because we're not all on the same page. My goals are not there goals and that hurts, I cannot center myself around people who don't want success as bad as I do. So for right now I been on the one way train ride to the unknown alone. But I know that once I get to this stop I'm not quite sure of my heart will tell me I'm home.