I could have swore my life was like a living perfect dream. I was living the Fuck OUT OF LIFE about three weeks ago. As soon as 2nd semester started my life went to shits! My mind has been so obsessed with film I literally haven't done anything to focus on my personal life. what is a personal life in film school. About two weeks ago decided I wanted to transfer out of NYFA to get my personal life together Then I changed my mind when I believed the education level wasn't on the same level of Nyfa. I began believing my life should just be focused on school so I have been putting 100% of my effort onto school. but even 100% into school isn't enough for school. i find myself using all my free time for homework or planning my new movie and I still find myself showing up to some classes with no homework, homework i don't even remember having!!!! HOW AM I HAVING THIS ISSUE how is going to school 7 days a week. and even having school 9 am to 7pm sometimes 4pm to 10 pm not enough! How am I supposed to make a living and feed myself, & keep up with regular civilization with this RIDICULOUS school schedule. how am I supposed to continue to grow if im not making the connection if should because I feel like my time isn't used wisely. THE only time i have to myself is approximately a few hours a week where I decide CAREFULLY IF I can go out to eat with my friends, OR hangout and create, why the fuck would I want to spend the precious small valuable hours I have to myself wanting to grocery shop, or clean, or do homework. im just so over it. im so angry about so many stupid small things I cant control and its gripping my by the fucking balls and not letting go. I feel a bit tense and uncomfortable. My face is breaking out for reasons im still unsure of because i cant find time to fit in my schedule to see a dermatologist. i dont even feel comfortable in public anymore let alone in front of a camera. my life isnt too great right now. and im sharing this not because i want anyone to tell me its going to be okay but to show you through this path people believe comes overnight or because im pretty or because im a female I go through some really pathetic shit. I have to worry about an image, I have to go to the gym and analyze what meals i want to feed my body because being called fat isnt the most pleasing things to read. I have to contiue to think of content to release. I have to no care what people say about me after this content is released. I have to find people to collab with to create content and even them these fucking douchebags out here wont help you unless youre helping them. In hollywood they either want something you can trade off or they want to fuck you. I have been in LA for almost half a year ive been through some very crazy shit along with the perks of it all. I worked hard for it all. i just want to let it all out. i feel like writing it all out its my coping mechanism i didnt really want to snapchat anything because i hate even being on snapchat with my acne its so annoying. im trying to refrain from makeup until my face heals but jesus christ i cant wait until this fucking phase is over
anyways i dont realy want sympathy simply showing my online diary no filters just real. live by it, learn from it. soak it in. have a good day.
