Wednesday, March 2, 2016

driving myself crazy

I could have swore my life was like a living perfect dream. I was living the Fuck OUT OF LIFE about three weeks ago. As soon as 2nd semester started my life went to shits! My mind has been so obsessed with film I literally haven't done anything to focus on my personal life. what is a personal life in film school. About two weeks ago decided I wanted to transfer out of NYFA to get my personal life together Then I changed my mind when I believed the education level wasn't on the same level of Nyfa. I began believing my life should just be focused on school so I have been putting 100% of my effort onto school. but even 100% into school isn't enough for school. i find myself using all my free time for homework or planning my new movie and I still find myself showing up to some classes with no homework, homework i don't even remember having!!!! HOW AM I HAVING THIS ISSUE how is going to school 7 days a week. and even having school 9 am to 7pm sometimes 4pm to 10 pm not enough! How am I supposed to make a living and feed myself, & keep up with regular civilization with this RIDICULOUS school schedule. how am I supposed to continue to grow if im not making the connection if should because I feel like my time isn't used wisely. THE only time i have to myself is approximately a few hours a week where I decide  CAREFULLY IF I can go out to eat with my friends, OR hangout and create, why the fuck would I want to spend the precious small valuable hours I have to myself wanting to grocery shop, or clean, or do homework. im just so over it. im so angry about so many stupid small things I cant control and its gripping my by the fucking balls and not letting go. I feel a bit tense and uncomfortable. My face is breaking out for reasons im still unsure of because i cant find time to fit in my schedule to see a dermatologist. i dont even feel comfortable in public anymore let alone in front of a camera. my life isnt too great right now. and im sharing this not because i want anyone to tell me its going to be okay but to show you through this path people believe comes overnight or because im pretty or because im a female I go through some really pathetic shit. I have to worry about an image, I have to go to the gym and analyze what meals i want to feed my body because being called fat isnt the most pleasing things to read. I have to contiue to think of content to release. I have to no care what people say about me after this content is released. I have to find people to collab with to create content and even them these fucking douchebags out here wont help you unless youre helping them. In hollywood they either want something you can trade off or they want to fuck you. I have been in LA for almost half a year ive been through some very crazy shit along with the perks of it all. I worked hard for it all. i just want to let it all out. i feel like writing it all out its my coping mechanism i didnt really want to snapchat anything because i hate even being on snapchat with my acne its so annoying. im trying to refrain from makeup until my face heals but jesus christ i cant wait until this fucking phase is over


anyways i dont realy want sympathy simply showing my online diary no filters just real. live by it, learn from it. soak it in. have a good day.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

I found a very strange best friend

Hey love?

How have you been? I've missed you a lot & have had you on my mind for so long! Life has been great with school, so great that sometimes I feel so guilty. I feel guilty because in school I'm So consumed by what I'm learning that I don't keep up with snapchat or putting out funny content on any of my social medias. I know I have to tighten up any day off isn't a good day. Anyways since you guys are my family I always promise to tell you everything raw about my life.

Last night I got a good 2 hour sleep after staying up watching short film on youtube with Ronald over text as inspiration for my screenwriting class project that was due 9 am today. I was so sleepy but Im so passionate about film that I cannot bear to attach my name to anything I am not proud of. I would have been devastated if I didnt come through with a cool movie there are so many talented people in my class and I just can't let myself fall behind while everyone else shines. I have to do my best and learn everything i can and apply everything I've learned to become the best film director in the history of directors.

Tori and I had this talk. The day I realized that she was different was this day we went to the gym and we got in an argument over uber. Tori has this personality where she's like this little infant child that constantly needs to be taken care of and like attended to. I told her to like order the uber or something  and she always takes the easy way out when I ask for a favor i was just like "order an uber" and she was all "you do it I don't know how" I was so pissed because she didn't attempt to read. she told me something like "don't you ever speak to me that way don't ever talk to me again I don't need this friendship. I was kinda like "okay?" because I'm not really good with conveying my emotions and I left it at that. I come home to Tori wanting to talk about her feelings. Tory kinda just grew on me like mold. she like snuck her way into my heart and little by little forced her way in and made me love her. its weird. kinda creeps me about because we look up to each other and like telling each other how we feel and she gets jealous when i bring ANY one around me who's new. OH and if its a new girl friend she will fucking GO CRAZY

THIS week has just been soon long i don't remember the last time I left a normal days worth, I'm relaxing I'm going to continue to grown on my filmmaking and take all of life opportunities until the right on fall on my lap.. because it will


Julia

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

What keeps me going

Whats up my love,

Glad you came back to read another blog. Today I wanted to go over something simple, something I get asked quite often "what keeps me going from giving up"

theres a lot that keeps me going. There are so many things that have happened in my life that have lit this fire to lead me on this really dark path. From people telling me my ideas were dumb to other really telling me they actually believed in me. strange huh how the people so close to you can have such different thoughts you have on one ear "thats crazy you're ideas are nuts thats could never happen" and in the other "you have such a talent keep pushing"

I've gotten it all from " you're not funny" "you're weird" "stick to modeling" "you suck at modeling" "you're a disgrace to this earth" and quite honestly I don't know how I got through it myself.

there were many of those nights I could have swore I was going to give up because i didn't believe in myself but what kept me going in the bigger picture.

letting go of all my dreams and wondering "well what if" would be far more scary than anything in my entire life. I can't go through life wondering what it would be life if I didn't 100% and follow this dream I have to take over the world and speak about how easy it is to get through life if you just try .

I let everyone telling me I couldn't do it add to the fuel of the fire.

I let the people I looked up to and who also had a story just like mine lead me in sort of the right way without really ever speaking to me

and I let these vivid visuals of what I imagine my life to be keep me motivated to keep me on my toes and remember what I could potentially have out of life

hope you guys are all having a great day let me know what you guys want me to write about next.


Sunday, February 7, 2016

RE INTRODUCTION

Hey family!

Whatsup? I hope you guys are having a great weekend, and for those who aren't i hope you soon find your way back to happiness. I wanted to get into the topic of me and more about me so we can all be closer and so you know in this crazy world of mine I am more like YOU than you think. Theres a lot of bits and pieces behind being social media famous you wouldn't understand unless you yourself are in this position yourself. There is obstacles I face from having followers and there is a lot of great incentives that comes with followers. I live off social media, my bills are being paid for from social media, I wouldn't have two full closets of  free clothes if wasn't for social media I wouldn't be able to network at the biggest events in los angeles if it wasn't for social media. but there are downfalls. I get looked down on buy other social media influencers who are doing the same thing as i am because of the language I use when i speak. I don't get taken seriously when it comes to guys because I'm so "out there" and men like a low-key women. I don't really have ANY opinion on the internet with out people constantly trying to bash me. theres a lot on my plate with trying to figure out what path I want to take and how to transition into who I want to become. I'm constantly in this mental battle with myself trying to figure out if I'm really doing the right thing with my life. sometimes I even question myself if I should just quit this life and just become a regular kid at some regular university. but I would probably miss it.

SO  I have to tell you Ive had an online diary since the age of 14. I was 14 years old when i started writing online and it was weird because I wrote everyday all the pain I would feel wether it be family related or relationship related I would even write about how hard the army was for me when i served. I seemed to always find myself dealing with heartbreak my entire life and always never having anyone to really talk to about it. i kept it always bottled up and then I started writing hoping one day I would be famous and everything I had written one day would be seen by MILLIONS of people just like me and I could help them in some way go through what i been through I KNEW some day someone would write me a letter and tell me I helped them get through those rough day and because of me they didn't quit.

Well where do I start this is my new job.. blogging that is. lets start by introducing myself and where I'm at with my life right now.

I am 22 years old I am a college student at New york Film Academy in LA. I AM Mexican american i do speak spanish but I speak it with an american accent so I try to refrain from speaking spanish because i hate when people make fun of me about it. it kinda hurts my feelings but at the same time if i really cared about it i would probably try and learn. Im from florida but I was born in texas. I moved a couple times growing up because my dad was a farm worker. he worked in tomatoes and vegetables. I picked tomatoes myself a few times. I live in LA with tonioskits who's a social media influencer and leli who's a production assistant . I have a team of close friends who all help each other in life situations I have Joel his instagram is @beenwet who is my creative consultant which means he's in charge of my website and my emails and in charge of making sure I have everything I need. sometimes I boss joel around so much that I forget how much he does for me. Joel is a sweet guy he's the first and last genius I've ever met in my entire life. he's very quiet and when we have these talks I sometimes feel he's the only person who really understands me. we have these talks about life and how we believe the universe called onto us to live these greater lives and how there is people out there who will never really understand us. then there is Tori. My little sister who like the stunning model which her ig is @victoriavanna she's really feisty she knows a woman worth and never settles for anything less. she's really good with representation she kinda showed me a lot about how perception is reality I  mean I knew reception i reality but I've seen her live that shit on all social media platforms so i know how real it is. she's so boy crazy its kinda weird because i can't even get one date if i begged for it. and guys literally throw themselves to be with her. then theres my right hand man Alex. his ig is @alexpolikaitis he's like 6 ft 6 inches he's really talk handsome little white guy. or tall guy I should say. he's a virgin and he's super christian but he's like my little brother because I'm trying to show his the ropes on this hollywood life. I'm trying to get his christian ways to rub on me though theres a lot in him i want in myself.  love his sense of humor and how he's so kind to everyone he taught me not ever altercation has to end in fighting. and he keeps me mentally sane in school. He's into music and actually really good i like his drive whenever were not getting into trouble or partying he's in the corner of some room with his headphones on creating beats. I'm not really sure what I want out of life when people ask me what i want to be my career I don't really quite know. i know things I want to accomplish in life but to pick one career goal just isn't me i call myself a creator and there is so many things id like to create. I wanna create a feature film about my life one day and the things I've been through. (well get into my life later) I want to be in a huge comedy movie in the big screens one day. I want to sell out stand up comedy shows one day. I want to have my own show one day. but untimely I want to be the next oprah. that motivation speaker for people like me. that inspiration and the people who can help others.

well yeah hope you guys like my intro ill try and write in these everyday like i did when i was younger leave a comment i can't wait to hear from you guys xoxo

julia


Sunday, December 20, 2015

In the mind of juliabadbutt

Whatsup buttheads,

So today I was so out of it. I've been so busy this week that I once again had to do reevaluations after I do something amazing with my life I like to reevaluate everything to see where I can go next also when I find myself hating my life I reevaluate to see what to change to make it better. This is one of those rare occasions where it was because something great in my life has happened. I got my very first intern this week who right now is taking care of organizing my first business she's so great man she worked her butt off and so polite I love her already and can't wait to spoil her for all her hard work. We sold on my calendars in the very first hour !!! I had to order more so people can still buy and support ! I'm going to be coming out and opening a new online business in very excited but I will now need a team there is absolutely no way I can do this alone anymore. Anyways today when I was re evaluating my life I was watching the law of attraction for some new inspiration or some sorta sign to add some spice and knowledge to my life I've come to the realization being funny is my God given talent God wants me to use this talent to become big BUT my calling is to inspire he gave me my talent to become famous and once o do I'm gonna inspire with motivation to people like me who grew up in poverty or no support from friends or work to think out of the box. I wanna inspire everything though, to not be afraid , to manifest happiness , that women have the power to accomplish just as much as men , I want you guys to stop thinking of getting a promotion and your job and open up your own business ! Be the change you want to see in the world ! Stop telling your big ideas to small minds. The moment you tell your dream to someone small minded and you hear the words "that's impossible" leave them , walk away. . You know what you're capable of don't let anyone ever Come in between that.i will tell you I have failed so many times in my life but every failure is such a bigger blessing you learn so much from every bad thing that has happened to you . The bigger the failure the bigger the blessing I can promise you that. I fail like 10 times a week. For every 99 no's I get I get 1 yes and I learned to accept it finally  Anyways positive vibes guys I love you and stay blessed 

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Emotionally incapable

Hey guys how are you how are you

So let me explain for those of you new readers my name is Julia and I've been writing my life in blogs on the interet since I was 7th grade. 

Anyways I kinda wanted to just talk on the subject of family so if you here to read my thoughts, or maybe take this as advice cause your probably going through the same thing. I hope you enjoy 

So here i goooooo

 family is such a beautiful thing guys you should always cherish the ones who love you the most. Family doesn't even have to be blood related anyone you just consider real family who has showed youunconditional  love. Some kids don't even get to experience having parents. 

Always respect your parents. though parents can sometimes over worry and over react from over worrying they want it in your best interest .

Growing up I saw kids in in my class who always had name brand everything! Name brand shoes and name brand pants and name again everything down to their socks and underwear. And I was like "damn their parents must super love their kids cause they get whatever they ask for" my mom grew up in Mexico  so she wasn't playing that shit I got clothes from Ross and marshalls and platos closet. Ayeee but those clothes were still dope as hell IM not complainin. But I always wondered why other moms gave into everything their kids asked they were like the moms who if their son ever got in trouble for having weed they would pay for the best lawyer in the city just to get their kid out of trouble. That's how spoiled they were. If my mom knew I got caught with weed and my school wanted to send me to the school where all the bad kids get sent my mom would be like "that's your dumb ass fault you wanna go sell drugs again ?"



It wasn't until now that I'm a grown ass woman that without my mom not treating me like a child but an adult I wouldn't be the woman I am today. I will not use my parents as a crutch for my lifestyle. As I was about to graduate highschool my mom made it clear that I wasn't allowed to live in a house a day past 18 and guess what guys I left the house at 17, joined the army , got out. And against all odds continue to be successful. My mom did me such a huge favor of letting me know what was up. Not spoiling me to the point where I didn't work hard for things I really wanted in life. 


I will tell you guys reading this. My life wasn't easy growing up. I wasn't the best kid. I had this thing about me where I fell in love fast. And another thing with falling for guys too fast is when I broke up with one guys I would have another boyfriend within the week! But check this out. When I got a boyfriend I would literally spend my entire life with them from morning to goodnight. And it annoyed my parents. I mean why wouldn't it ? So the more I dated the more they got sick and tired of it like any other parents and before my 9th grade in highschool year was up my relationship with my parents was broken. We slowly stopped talking together I started spending my entire days in school and my school vacations locked up in my room. Everything I did around my mom not seeing her so often seemed to annoy her. Our relationship was so rocky since I pretty much gave all my attention to my boyfriends my mom probably thought when I was around her was only to ask for money and she probably felt used. Oidk. I just know it go to the point that when I was around my mom I felt so much tension and anxiety I didn't know if I was gonna get yelled at or put down. . 

Guys I wanna tell you something really strange about life. Life.goes.on

If something happened to you today and it made you hate your entire day. Just realize that today will be a yesterday , tomorrow. And YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK. So do not dwell but you can change your future and your choices and move forward and decide in your life how happy you want to be.


Everything in your life that has taken place from your birth til now was for a reason and you probably don't know what that reason is right now or 6 months down the line, u might not even figure it out for another two years but I promise you guys this. One day you will realize that every put in your life is only to make you strong and smarter for your next battle 


I'll leave you buttheads with this dope quote I used to read everyday walking into group therapy "someone i loved one gave me a box full of darkness, it took me years to understand that this too, was a gift"


Juliabadbutt 

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Go live !

So I'm feeling a little generous to the kids who follow me on here today and I wanna give a lesson on why traveling is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT! not with family I mean on your own. After your 18 and all grown up. When I was a little girl (14-15) I lived in this neighborhood and this really white long house made of what looked like tin stood out because it was extremely longer than usual it was literally the longest house I had ever seen. Located on Nuna in fort Myers. every single day that I drove past this house with my parents I would look at it and say to myself  "I want a house just like that when I grow up" mind you this house was in the ghetto of ft Myers BUT being that I grew up there my entire life without traveling outside of ft Myers city limits IT WAS ALL I KNEW. I Left home for the military at 18! Along with buying my first pair of name brand sneakers I traveled and saw and experienced things I never KNEW existed ! I ate out at restaurants I never knew to people it was a normal thing to do ! I was able to afford name brand clothes and lipsticks ! I bought a season pass to amusement parks for myself ! I stayed in cool hotels. Going into the military I thought this was living life it few and me and began to be the only thing I new I thought I was ON TOP OF THE WORLD But when I became I guess "internet famous" I was given this "privilege"  to hang out with celebrities and I experienced things and places I would have never even dreamed of. I was attending parties in mansions In the hills I was partying in calabasas in LA ! I was going to shows and sitting backstage! I was getting mentored by comedians who have already made millions! And it made me so hungry !. Having a casual conversation with millionaire asking myself well how do I do it ?! Did you know that the average us income is   $26,695 per year?! Did you know Justin bieber makes 1.6 million dollars a week did you know to make 100,000 a year you have to earn over 8,000 a month. Anyways moral of the story is my eyes were never opened to any of this until I left and explored on my own. I have a brother who works at a tire shop in fort Myers who when I asked why do you work here why didn't you finish college he told me "because college didn't pay my bills" hurt my heart. When I tell people I want to open my families eyes as to what's out there some people say "some people just don't want it as bad as you" I don't believe it SOME PEOPLES DONT KNOW WHATS OUTSIDE OF THE SMALL CITIES THEY LIVE IN! if you were to just experience others lifestyles and how people eat and live your whole life could change LIVE GUYS YOU NEVER KNOW UNTIL YOU TRY. Don't settle for something just because it's bringing an income do it because you love doing it . I'm not where I want to be in life right now but that doesn't mean I won't be next year :) hope u have a great day guys God bless oh and about the really long house the only reason I wanted it back then was because I had never seen the mansion in the hills yet  ;)