In the mind of juliabadbutt

Whatsup buttheads,

So today I was so out of it. I've been so busy this week that I once again had to do reevaluations after I do something amazing with my life I like to reevaluate everything to see where I can go next also when I find myself hating my life I reevaluate to see what to change to make it better. This is one of those rare occasions where it was because something great in my life has happened. I got my very first intern this week who right now is taking care of organizing my first business she's so great man she worked her butt off and so polite I love her already and can't wait to spoil her for all her hard work. We sold on my calendars in the very first hour !!! I had to order more so people can still buy and support ! I'm going to be coming out and opening a new online business in very excited but I will now need a team there is absolutely no way I can do this alone anymore. Anyways today when I was re evaluating my life I was watching the law of attraction for some new inspiration or some sorta sign to add some spice and knowledge to my life I've come to the realization being funny is my God given talent God wants me to use this talent to become big BUT my calling is to inspire he gave me my talent to become famous and once o do I'm gonna inspire with motivation to people like me who grew up in poverty or no support from friends or work to think out of the box. I wanna inspire everything though, to not be afraid , to manifest happiness , that women have the power to accomplish just as much as men , I want you guys to stop thinking of getting a promotion and your job and open up your own business ! Be the change you want to see in the world ! Stop telling your big ideas to small minds. The moment you tell your dream to someone small minded and you hear the words "that's impossible" leave them , walk away. . You know what you're capable of don't let anyone ever Come in between that.i will tell you I have failed so many times in my life but every failure is such a bigger blessing you learn so much from every bad thing that has happened to you . The bigger the failure the bigger the blessing I can promise you that. I fail like 10 times a week. For every 99 no's I get I get 1 yes and I learned to accept it finally  Anyways positive vibes guys I love you and stay blessed 

Emotionally incapable

Hey guys how are you how are you

So let me explain for those of you new readers my name is Julia and I've been writing my life in blogs on the interet since I was 7th grade. 

Anyways I kinda wanted to just talk on the subject of family so if you here to read my thoughts, or maybe take this as advice cause your probably going through the same thing. I hope you enjoy 

So here i goooooo

 family is such a beautiful thing guys you should always cherish the ones who love you the most. Family doesn't even have to be blood related anyone you just consider real family who has showed youunconditional  love. Some kids don't even get to experience having parents. 

Always respect your parents. though parents can sometimes over worry and over react from over worrying they want it in your best interest .

Growing up I saw kids in in my class who always had name brand everything! Name brand shoes and name brand pants and name again everything down to their socks and underwear. And I was like "damn their parents must super love their kids cause they get whatever they ask for" my mom grew up in Mexico  so she wasn't playing that shit I got clothes from Ross and marshalls and platos closet. Ayeee but those clothes were still dope as hell IM not complainin. But I always wondered why other moms gave into everything their kids asked they were like the moms who if their son ever got in trouble for having weed they would pay for the best lawyer in the city just to get their kid out of trouble. That's how spoiled they were. If my mom knew I got caught with weed and my school wanted to send me to the school where all the bad kids get sent my mom would be like "that's your dumb ass fault you wanna go sell drugs again ?"

It wasn't until now that I'm a grown ass woman that without my mom not treating me like a child but an adult I wouldn't be the woman I am today. I will not use my parents as a crutch for my lifestyle. As I was about to graduate highschool my mom made it clear that I wasn't allowed to live in a house a day past 18 and guess what guys I left the house at 17, joined the army , got out. And against all odds continue to be successful. My mom did me such a huge favor of letting me know what was up. Not spoiling me to the point where I didn't work hard for things I really wanted in life. 

I will tell you guys reading this. My life wasn't easy growing up. I wasn't the best kid. I had this thing about me where I fell in love fast. And another thing with falling for guys too fast is when I broke up with one guys I would have another boyfriend within the week! But check this out. When I got a boyfriend I would literally spend my entire life with them from morning to goodnight. And it annoyed my parents. I mean why wouldn't it ? So the more I dated the more they got sick and tired of it like any other parents and before my 9th grade in highschool year was up my relationship with my parents was broken. We slowly stopped talking together I started spending my entire days in school and my school vacations locked up in my room. Everything I did around my mom not seeing her so often seemed to annoy her. Our relationship was so rocky since I pretty much gave all my attention to my boyfriends my mom probably thought when I was around her was only to ask for money and she probably felt used. Oidk. I just know it go to the point that when I was around my mom I felt so much tension and anxiety I didn't know if I was gonna get yelled at or put down. . 

Guys I wanna tell you something really strange about life. Life.goes.on

If something happened to you today and it made you hate your entire day. Just realize that today will be a yesterday , tomorrow. And YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK. So do not dwell but you can change your future and your choices and move forward and decide in your life how happy you want to be.

Everything in your life that has taken place from your birth til now was for a reason and you probably don't know what that reason is right now or 6 months down the line, u might not even figure it out for another two years but I promise you guys this. One day you will realize that every put in your life is only to make you strong and smarter for your next battle 

I'll leave you buttheads with this dope quote I used to read everyday walking into group therapy "someone i loved one gave me a box full of darkness, it took me years to understand that this too, was a gift"

Juliabadbutt 

Go live !

So I'm feeling a little generous to the kids who follow me on here today and I wanna give a lesson on why traveling is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT! not with family I mean on your own. After your 18 and all grown up. When I was a little girl (14-15) I lived in this neighborhood and this really white long house made of what looked like tin stood out because it was extremely longer than usual it was literally the longest house I had ever seen. Located on Nuna in fort Myers. every single day that I drove past this house with my parents I would look at it and say to myself  "I want a house just like that when I grow up" mind you this house was in the ghetto of ft Myers BUT being that I grew up there my entire life without traveling outside of ft Myers city limits IT WAS ALL I KNEW. I Left home for the military at 18! Along with buying my first pair of name brand sneakers I traveled and saw and experienced things I never KNEW existed ! I ate out at restaurants I never knew to people it was a normal thing to do ! I was able to afford name brand clothes and lipsticks ! I bought a season pass to amusement parks for myself ! I stayed in cool hotels. Going into the military I thought this was living life it few and me and began to be the only thing I new I thought I was ON TOP OF THE WORLD But when I became I guess "internet famous" I was given this "privilege"  to hang out with celebrities and I experienced things and places I would have never even dreamed of. I was attending parties in mansions In the hills I was partying in calabasas in LA ! I was going to shows and sitting backstage! I was getting mentored by comedians who have already made millions! And it made me so hungry !. Having a casual conversation with millionaire asking myself well how do I do it ?! Did you know that the average us income is   $26,695 per year?! Did you know Justin bieber makes 1.6 million dollars a week did you know to make 100,000 a year you have to earn over 8,000 a month. Anyways moral of the story is my eyes were never opened to any of this until I left and explored on my own. I have a brother who works at a tire shop in fort Myers who when I asked why do you work here why didn't you finish college he told me "because college didn't pay my bills" hurt my heart. When I tell people I want to open my families eyes as to what's out there some people say "some people just don't want it as bad as you" I don't believe it SOME PEOPLES DONT KNOW WHATS OUTSIDE OF THE SMALL CITIES THEY LIVE IN! if you were to just experience others lifestyles and how people eat and live your whole life could change LIVE GUYS YOU NEVER KNOW UNTIL YOU TRY. Don't settle for something just because it's bringing an income do it because you love doing it . I'm not where I want to be in life right now but that doesn't mean I won't be next year :) hope u have a great day guys God bless oh and about the really long house the only reason I wanted it back then was because I had never seen the mansion in the hills yet  ;)

Emotional roller coaster

Hey buttheads 

yeah so If you don't know I refer to my fans now as buttheads cause I'm badbutt and idk I think it's cute 

Anyways, today I went through a breakdown I woke up wanting to give up again I gave up all hope. it's so strange how one day I'm fine and feel like I can take over the world and the next I'm wanting to just fall from the face of the earth.

Mainly because when I don't get the feed back I feel I deserve on the internet I feel like I didn't accomplish anything as you know I live in a house in LA with two roommates one is a production assistant for a huge director (leli) and the other is the Internet sensation known as @tonioskits on all social media platforms. And then there's me Juliabadbutt who's a film student at New York film academy who also wants to be an actress but doesn't really have time because she's either at school for ten hours a day or at home working on project FOR SCHOOL. when I'm not working on school project I'm filming trying to put out videos for Instagram , Twitter Facebook and snapchat. It's so stressful because  likes and comments really do matter perception is reality social media isn't just about the likes and attention it's literally my job. The comments on my page attract traffic to gain a bigger fan base to get me to the goals I'm trying to reach and also keeps me financially afloat it's crazy when my video doesn't do as good as I hope my fucking whole mood falls my work is very sensitive art to me. I take a lot of time into makings these skits and videos for you guys so when it doesn't do well something inside my heart rips. 

Anyways my roommate tonio has been doing so great ! Working hand in hand with Kevin Hart's  production company  meeting people he looked up to a year ago as a small fish and now he's killing it he's so dope ! And then there's me who tries so hard to manage time and put out new videos while trying really hard to be a good student trying to find the balance is so hard trying to remain happy with everything going on seeing my roommate grow 300,000 in one month right before my eyes while I only grew 50k kinda hurt my feelings and lowered my self esteem like am I not working hard enough ? Am I not funny enough ? Do I need to quit school ? Why me. Last month in total with social media , my brand I'm slowly building and school I made 4,350 dollars not bad but after paying bills, tickets , overdue credit cards and investments I had a little less and $400 left to my name . And I'm here wondering how am I gonna do it again this month. It's hard man $400 left to my name out of 4,300  that's barely enough for gas and food for the month it makes me feel so shitty I wanted to buy a new pair of shoes I wanted to save for a new camera I'm so impatient man I worked so hard this month only to have $400 to my name that's going to gas and food but now I'm feeling shitty because I should be grateful I'm able to feel myself . Today I went to the laundry mat to wash my clothes and as I was waiting for my clothes I stepped out to clean my hat let me tell you I threw out all the pennies from my center console onto the floor and this old Mexican man walked up with ripped shoes  and with no shame started picking them up literally inches from my feet NO SHAME. And then I though damn man I'm over here man I only have $400 for the month and he's scraping pennies off the floor. Maybe I'm just upset because I'm an over achiever and I hate waiting on my success I am such a firm believer of karma and everything happening for a reason that since things are great on my side that I'm a loser. Next month in sure I'm gonna be broke again cause my car registration is about to expire :( sucks when I first moved to la I know this is kinda shitty but I hit up my ex Bryan and he literally paid for everything whether it be my flat tire or my car payment he complained that he did too much for me and didn't get anything in return but it's true I depended on him as if we were dating and we weren't  I felt so shitty but I was so grateful for his help he got my car out when it was towed, he bought me soap when I couldn't even afford that . But I knew I was leading him on and that hurt me so I had to sit him down and apologize but let him know we had no future together of course he was upset and told me "I'm to responsible and mature for you " and "maybe you need a boy not a man " which sucks but if you don't like someone you gotta let them know before it's too late anyways I'm really grateful but I had to put my big girl panties on and go through the struggles on my own . It felt great this month paying my rent , car , insurance , phone , credit card , groceries , and clothes on my own this month mind you I'm broke again but hey my bills are paid 

I was also depressed because I'm not over my ex . First off we dated for literally one month BUT it wasn't just one month to me man I do believe in love at first sight. The last time I loved someone was my husband back in 2011 . It isn't just like a regular love it's that deep type of love where  nothing they do isn't cute. I literally wanted to spend every second of my life with him . His eyes  with every blink just got prettier . The way his jaw tensed up when I said something that pushed his buttons and I knew he was holding back thing that would probably hurt my feelings. The way he'd look at me when he thought I wasn't looking and how he would grab my hands and rub him on his face when we sat in a car together. He listened to everything I said and took everything into consideration. He would stay up late just to show he would do anything for me . He called to check up on me and even would texts me friends to make sure I was okay. We would send eachother Twitter links of the stupidest things but it was knowing we thought about eachother 24/7 that mattered. We ended and my life literally turned grey and things haven't been the same for me I knew blue since I was like 9 years old he was my brother best friend but I liked blue since I was 9 secretly of course because he was like 12 or 13 at the time and way of out my league but he's always been there. The moment I realized we connected there wasn't a moment my heart wasn't racing around him but man this move took its toll, I over stressed and put to much weight on his shouldered and comfort really carried away with what other thought of me and he slipped away ther isn't nothing I wouldn't do to try and make that work again but sadly I know it's to late. I accepted it already and I've been slowly pulling my self together but it isn't easy man there's not a day he isn't thought of or  a day I don't pray and ask God to bring him back. God obviously has better plans for me so this crying I do I know is temporary I'm just a big baby it does leave my depressed still I was supposed to go home for thanks giving but there's no possible way I could ever be in. 50 mile radius of who I believed was the best thing that had happened to me and not want to run back to him like a crazy stalker I would hurt myself so bad so I'm just gonna chill here until I'm emotionally stable and go back home level headed . 

Well that's what going on with me guys  hope everything is well with you if you wanna know anything or have opinions on what I should write next leave comments have a great night ! I love you 

Badbutt update

HI GUYS!!! I remembered my password!! So it is now October 22 and looks like I went through with my move to LA. This has not been an easy move. I have not gone through one week where I have not broke down and cried at least three times. I have been through many many trials and tribulations I have gone through moments where I felt so alone. I have gone through moments where I felt like I needed to give up. I have gone through moments where I feel like my back was against the wall no one was there to help. i've gone through a dozen heart breaks. I've gone through moments where I just want to delete all my social media and runaway. But here I stand still trying and still moving forward sometimes I sit back and think like how the hell did I get this far. What inside of me keeps me going and honestly I can't quite tell you there's this gut feeling. This gut feeling that tells me come on just keep going you got this and that's the only reason why im still trying. Since I've been out of the army which has been since June 17, 2015 and I learned so much. But most of all I learned so much about myself still learning actually I went through a stage where I felt like I needed to fit in with my look. The stage was probably the worst thing I could've possibly went through. There was even a time where I hated it looking at myself in the mirror.  A time where I stop making skits because looking at myself made me disgusted. I don't know what it is about society but with all these iconic figures we look up to and makes us feel less because we don't look like them but I feel like my purpose in life is to change that. I just want to hug everyone who has insecurities with their looks. Because I can honestly say I know what it feels like and I want you to pray on it I want you to ask for forgiveness because you guys are all beautiful in your own way and no one should be allowed to tell you different. Anyways so I'm out of the army and life is been everything but easy I can tell you that every day it's a little less stressful and I hurt a little less. But what is happiness if you don't feel sadness. What really is the feeling of winning without a huge sacrifice and I came from immigrant parents are hard-working immigrants parents who love me so much that they pushed me crazy limits.  I didn't realize it at the time but look at me now guys if there's one person who can tell you anything is possible it's me though my parents could possibly afford nice clothes I grew up shopping at Goodwill for school clothes not really knowing what shopping at the mall was like.going to McDonald's was even a blessing and mind you it wasn't because my parents couldn't afford it they were probably just being smart with their money and I left my hometown.  And I daydreamed every day to become the person I am today and I worked hard for it. no I'm not the richest yet. But who's to say I won't be. I've met so many people in the last year people I have looked up to, people I've seen through a tiny screen on my phone and every new connection only motivates me more it's like this flame inside of my body that  keeps growing. I just want everyone to see how hard I work and all the work that I put in if I can motivate one person just one person to not give up on their dreams then my job here is done. Sadness is a part of life guys. I want you all to see the full story the struggle because struggle is such a beautiful thing we would not be who we are today without the struggle life is such an emotional roller coaster. I'm an open book I don't care how dumb I look or all my enemies still checking on me to see me fall. I might fall. I might struggle but I will never give up. I might cry and bitch about how hard it is but at the end of the day I'm gonna wake up and try again until my ass is swimming in success !!! I will be the best me  and hope you guys try hard too ! Well I think that's enough for tonight if you guys have any recommendations of what I should blog about next or what you want to know about me drop some comments k love you guys bye 

Badbutt update !!!

10 days away from being out of the army and the stress is coming full force from so many different angles. Last year around this time I was talking up a storm with my Bestfriend claudia about what we were gonna do with our lives, endless hours of brainstorming on different way to become rich. Branding our selfs and imagining our lives living in downtown LA, i remember being so worried about choosing the wrong place to live I was stuck between miami and LA and the only reason I chose LA was because claudia wanted it that bad, I became obsessed everyday after I finished my work I would go on google and just look into things to do in LA and Places to visit and cost of living. Well, here I am a year later and I'm still focused on moving but this time without the person who even pushed me into living there in the first place. I don't know exactly what stressing me the most. It scares me when people promise me things and don't come through with it in the end but I know I shouldn't stress because my whole life is living proof everything will always work out in my favor if you put your mind in good use. Getting out the army was actually easily everyone told me CIF would be hard and it actually went really well for me. Wow 4 years of my life in the military and I cannot believe it's finally over man, 4 YEARS! Of pain and going crazy! I'm just so grateful I've been through so much so much that no one could possibly relate my journey ahead of me can only be beautiful from here. and I will NOT stop until I make it to the top. Whatever it takes. WHATEVER . 

I know you guys are dying to hear about my love life. I won't tell you everything but I tell you guys ENOUGH. I keep people around in my life that make me happy. I love deep if I really like you . I spend as much time I can with you if I really like you and then moment I feel like you really fucked up I back off. I'm easily traumatized and I stay away from negative energy or anything that could possibly hurt me in the lost run , being in such unhealthy relationships in the past I learned sacrificing YOUR happiness for the sake of someone else's IS NOT worth it all you will be losing is TIME and questionIng yourself "well what if " I have someone I hang around a lot who makes me happy and really hears me out and extremely patient but me being 21 I don't know and wanting to do what I want to do in life I just know I'm gonna be single. And it's gonna take someone really fucking great to change that 

I spend a lot my day crying today cause my stress levels were just that high it something that just really needed to be done. 

It's now June 8 and I feel like a new woman .

you wake up and decide, do I wanna be happy today or mope around for the same shit I was yesterday. Being scared only motivates me to get my ass up and charge whatever is triggering head on.

I blogged all those emotions last naihht and wasn't going to post anything but I decided why not share how I'm heel to maybe help someone in the same situation

I spent most of my day yesterday thinking about if I really wanna go through with the lipo I scheduled for aug 6th and I came to the conclusion im not, I love my stomach so much that I would be extremely sad to lose the curves I already have 

I wanted and over night skinny but really my abs are so beautiful when I work for it like I'm not even trying to toot my own horn they're so soft and beautiful who knows if they'll look the same after. I don't want them to look forced or any more scars. So I'm gonna work my ass off again at the gym and make banging progress and will keep you guys posted every single step of the way!!!! I can wait to show you good work ethic and dedication !!! Hopefully you guys can find motivation in yourselves through me somehow cause I'm here to help  love you and I missed you guys but im back 

Update

So as everyone can tell I got a new Instagram I deleted my old account on accident somehow I thought I was logged into my back up page @ julia Joseph but came to the realization that I was actually loggedinto julia bad butt. Sure enough I'm here I haven't blogged in a few days just because every single time I think about what to blog about my mind is overwhelmed with so many things that are going on my in my life right now.where to start off? I am very unhappy with my life right now just when I thought still being in the army was the worst situation I could be in. So many small things just add on I think it all started when I went to check on my terminal leave to get out of the army 70 days early and I was informed that my terminal leave packet hadn't even been turned in I had been planning this for months I had turn in the paperwork two months ago to find out nothing has been started just took me to a all time low I have been waiting to get out of the Army for four years!!! Anyways I got in trouble last week for having my fingernails painted, along with that apparently my nails are too long next week I come ready to work very positive I even cut my hair to make myself feel better just to have an NCO tell me my hair was out of regulation . I was then told that I was going to get recommended for an article 15 if my NCO found out I was lying to my NCO about not knowing my nails were out of regulation my life just crumbled right before my eyes emotions that carried over from The stress I thought I was going through at home. I was going to her little with Claudia I even  went 4 days without talking to her. I was just so stressed out and scared to talk to anyone about it that I reached my boiling point and I knew I needed to get help right then and there I drove to behavioral health I started crying about every small thing going on in my life I told them sometimes I wish I wasn't alive I have been feeling bullied at work and I just needed an escape. I ended up fixing things with Claudia a few days later but now I'm on restrictions and I have to sleep in the barracks on posts I have to get checked on daily on their schedule not mine and it sucks not being able to do what I want to do really sucks I just want to get out my days now consist of group therapy five days a week six hours a day but honestly it's for the better things are starting to look up and I'm really learning more about myself which makes me happy.i'm learning about how to talk about my feelings with other people I'm learning how to trust sincerelybut most importantly I'm learning how to not run away from my problems everything is not okay right now but I know deep down everything will be very soon. 

Everything in life teaches you a lesson you just have to handle it the right way so here am searching for the right way to handle this.

Weight goals

Hey everyone it's Julia mother freaking Badbutt today I thought i thought I'd talk about my constant weight problem. 

I have this ocd about having the perfect body

 

I've wanted a boob job since the age of 16  I felt like my body would be more proportioned if I had bigger boobs and I thought I would looked skinnier if my boobs were bigger. So I saved and I saved and I bought my boobs at the age of 19 here are my before and after pictures 

Lol I look back at these pictures and don't even remember my boobs being this small. When I got my boobs done I had the perfect fit body I would run constantly and I was so in shape with these nice ass abs and legs. After I got my boobjob I stopped working out cause I was just incapable of lifting anything and my boobs hurt my back and I just used it as an excuse to eat like a fat slob I weight a good 135 pounds before my boob job. After everything was healed and I was capable of working out at the gym again i gains weight like crazy I was 160 pounds. Running 1 mile hurt my shins so bad to the point where I would have to stop every ten steps it was such an embarrassment. Especially having people around me seeing me struggle when I was once known as a "beast" after my boob job I never lost weight like I used to. I can't even do my push-ups the same. When I got to the point of 162 pounds I lost it and dedicated my life to the gym. I lose 20 pounds and weighed a great 140 and I felt great

I felt like the baddest bitch knowing i had it in me to control my weight I was discipline and I determined. I would meal prep and my life was 100 focused on fitness. Sad part about it was my whole like was centered around it I didn't have friends and I have no time to be happy and enjoy life. Yes being in shape made me happy but life without making videos and laughing and hanging out with friends made me sad. After I got to 140 I just stopped and enjoyed my weight. 

Here I am at 150 again and kinda sad. I was prepping for spring break and my boss once again said it would most likely not get approved so I got really depressed and I let my self get fat again. Eating and eating and eat. It sucks cause when I gain weight. I get really awkward rolls on my back I constantly have to try and find angles that hide it. I'm not used to being this thick  is used to weigh 120 

I stand around my friends and I'm always the biggest one. I wear like a size nine in jeans. When I'm alone I love it I'm like damn I got a fat ass I'm thick as fuck. But the way my stomach is set up I have really thick skin and when I sit down my fuck fat is just there dating back at me its hella fucking awkward. I love my thick legs but I don't like that my gut matches lol. Sometimes I'm like fuck I wanna be skinny but sometimes I'm like fuck I love my legs.

And here I am 30 pounds later. So this is crazy but I'm getting LIPO this summer. Cause it's my life. And I want to. I'm not telling anyone that's the only way you can be beautiful or I'm not disciplined enough to get my body back but my natural body shape would never allow me to get the curves I envision in my head. I love my body don't get me wrong I love me. But I want a tiny waist. I never asked to be anyone's role model I'm just simply sharing My story and saying its 2015 people are so judgmental for no reason. Accept people for who they are cause you'll be so much more happier 

DO want YOU want to do. You have one life to live.

 Leave comments or questions and I'll write back hope you enjoyed. Don't leave opinions though cause honestly mine is the only one that matters lol

Don't judge me part 1.

It's funny I say don't judge me huh ?

For one, I act like I don't care about being judged. I'm a nutjob and being a nutjob makes me my happiest. The look on people's faces after I do something random like "wow julia is so full of life I can't believe she just did that" makes me happy. Knowing I have to super power to make someone smile is mind blowing I get high off of it.

If you could see my phone and click on my "notes" in my iPhone you'd see my online diary. It used to be on the Internet but after I grew a "fan base" I was so scared because I get really personal and the people who I used to write about I could have potentially hurt there ego with all the eyes on me. Thousands and thousands of notes. Everyday I write and write. Because to me when I'm extremely hurt or inspired I try and remember what I felt so the next time I remember what do do or how to feel and handle situations better.

Well I decided to write again because so much great things are going on in my life and I wanna look back and remember how it all started. 

This was my facial expression at work when they told me my terminal leave packet had yet to be turned and and I might be staying in the army longer than I thought I was. I was hurt and angry and very frustrated I wanted to throw up my hands and punch the closest person to me in the face and make them get my stuff done. Unfortunately in the army I'm nothing but gum stuck on the bottom of a homeless mans shoe. I'm all about controlling the controllables . So when something's going on in my life I have no control over I lose it , I flip and I go crazy I turn into a fireball and wanna break things and make a scene . I can't control my anger. So that ruined my weekend this week.

Some people probably wonder what it's like to live a day in my life. My life is fun, I love my life. I created my own happiness. You have it in you to wake up and tell yourself you're gonna have a good day. I remind myself of my goals every single day. But i go through things just like you do. I have feelings. I feel jealousy and I feel hurt and I feel hate and I feel belittled. The people I allow into my life I expect to be my backbone if not then my life goes south when I feel like the closest people in my life don't believe in me I crawl into my little hole in my brain and re evaluate what in doing with my life. 

What's going on in my life currently:

Bizzy crook offered me a job to become is PR for those of you who don't know what that is its public relations kind of like marketing. I was so happy with the news the first person I told was a really close pal someone I lean on for support cause they're really smart and successful. I don't know if it was jealousy but they didn't support me and kinda laughed at me. My eyes instantly became teary eyed along with suddenly becoming unmotivated my heart just told me to push through and show everyone I accomplish what I always say I will and won't stop til I'm the best. But it hurt. It felt like I just got punched in the stomach and it made me build a wall. In the back of my head I said to myself maybe I should just keep my goals to myself until I find someone who really believes in me

Yall always say julia don't listen to what other people say. I get that but I'm fucking human. I would be a robot if I didn't care what people had to say. I'm allowed to  so i will continue to do as I please.

 

I'm a brat and I'm bossy that's why I don't have boyfriends I've been played with so much I don't have any room in my body to allow bullshit in. I have goals to accomplish. And I have no room for mistakes, especially time. I do not have time to waste on negativity. 

I get out of the army in a few months and as the days get closer to my ETS I become happier I will be moving to LA and attending the school of my dreams NYFA fur thing my career in filmmaking and acting. 

I'm a daydreamer and I would like to  keep it that way as much as I would love to settle down no one will accept me for me like I accept me for me which is why I know I'm a bachelor. I have a serious side to me that no one sees except the people close to me I like to be alone a lot of my time. And I like to link up with my friends when it comes to activities. I haven't found my friend that I'm in love with yet. Last friend I had the super connection with was Anjee and our friendship was destroyed with lies. She hid stuff from me and stabbed me in the back. The one before that was becki she made me so happy but we fell off after being bad together in school where our parents didn't let us see each other anymore. I jut want that one friend that I can do everything with even if that mean lay side my side hearing each other breath and still enjoying it. Claudia great because she supports my delicious but we don't connect like you guys think we do. It's more of the sister bond than the BESTFRIEND bond.

Lately I've been distant from her and Natalia just because we're not all on the same page. My goals are not there goals and that hurts, I cannot center myself around people who don't want success as bad as I do. So for right now I been on the one way train ride to the unknown alone. But I know that once I get to this stop I'm not quite sure of my heart will tell me I'm home.