Emotional roller coaster

Hey buttheads 

yeah so If you don't know I refer to my fans now as buttheads cause I'm badbutt and idk I think it's cute 

Anyways, today I went through a breakdown I woke up wanting to give up again I gave up all hope. it's so strange how one day I'm fine and feel like I can take over the world and the next I'm wanting to just fall from the face of the earth.

Mainly because when I don't get the feed back I feel I deserve on the internet I feel like I didn't accomplish anything as you know I live in a house in LA with two roommates one is a production assistant for a huge director (leli) and the other is the Internet sensation known as @tonioskits on all social media platforms. And then there's me Juliabadbutt who's a film student at New York film academy who also wants to be an actress but doesn't really have time because she's either at school for ten hours a day or at home working on project FOR SCHOOL. when I'm not working on school project I'm filming trying to put out videos for Instagram , Twitter Facebook and snapchat. It's so stressful because  likes and comments really do matter perception is reality social media isn't just about the likes and attention it's literally my job. The comments on my page attract traffic to gain a bigger fan base to get me to the goals I'm trying to reach and also keeps me financially afloat it's crazy when my video doesn't do as good as I hope my fucking whole mood falls my work is very sensitive art to me. I take a lot of time into makings these skits and videos for you guys so when it doesn't do well something inside my heart rips. 

Anyways my roommate tonio has been doing so great ! Working hand in hand with Kevin Hart's  production company  meeting people he looked up to a year ago as a small fish and now he's killing it he's so dope ! And then there's me who tries so hard to manage time and put out new videos while trying really hard to be a good student trying to find the balance is so hard trying to remain happy with everything going on seeing my roommate grow 300,000 in one month right before my eyes while I only grew 50k kinda hurt my feelings and lowered my self esteem like am I not working hard enough ? Am I not funny enough ? Do I need to quit school ? Why me. Last month in total with social media , my brand I'm slowly building and school I made 4,350 dollars not bad but after paying bills, tickets , overdue credit cards and investments I had a little less and $400 left to my name . And I'm here wondering how am I gonna do it again this month. It's hard man $400 left to my name out of 4,300  that's barely enough for gas and food for the month it makes me feel so shitty I wanted to buy a new pair of shoes I wanted to save for a new camera I'm so impatient man I worked so hard this month only to have $400 to my name that's going to gas and food but now I'm feeling shitty because I should be grateful I'm able to feel myself . Today I went to the laundry mat to wash my clothes and as I was waiting for my clothes I stepped out to clean my hat let me tell you I threw out all the pennies from my center console onto the floor and this old Mexican man walked up with ripped shoes  and with no shame started picking them up literally inches from my feet NO SHAME. And then I though damn man I'm over here man I only have $400 for the month and he's scraping pennies off the floor. Maybe I'm just upset because I'm an over achiever and I hate waiting on my success I am such a firm believer of karma and everything happening for a reason that since things are great on my side that I'm a loser. Next month in sure I'm gonna be broke again cause my car registration is about to expire :( sucks when I first moved to la I know this is kinda shitty but I hit up my ex Bryan and he literally paid for everything whether it be my flat tire or my car payment he complained that he did too much for me and didn't get anything in return but it's true I depended on him as if we were dating and we weren't  I felt so shitty but I was so grateful for his help he got my car out when it was towed, he bought me soap when I couldn't even afford that . But I knew I was leading him on and that hurt me so I had to sit him down and apologize but let him know we had no future together of course he was upset and told me "I'm to responsible and mature for you " and "maybe you need a boy not a man " which sucks but if you don't like someone you gotta let them know before it's too late anyways I'm really grateful but I had to put my big girl panties on and go through the struggles on my own . It felt great this month paying my rent , car , insurance , phone , credit card , groceries , and clothes on my own this month mind you I'm broke again but hey my bills are paid 

I was also depressed because I'm not over my ex . First off we dated for literally one month BUT it wasn't just one month to me man I do believe in love at first sight. The last time I loved someone was my husband back in 2011 . It isn't just like a regular love it's that deep type of love where  nothing they do isn't cute. I literally wanted to spend every second of my life with him . His eyes  with every blink just got prettier . The way his jaw tensed up when I said something that pushed his buttons and I knew he was holding back thing that would probably hurt my feelings. The way he'd look at me when he thought I wasn't looking and how he would grab my hands and rub him on his face when we sat in a car together. He listened to everything I said and took everything into consideration. He would stay up late just to show he would do anything for me . He called to check up on me and even would texts me friends to make sure I was okay. We would send eachother Twitter links of the stupidest things but it was knowing we thought about eachother 24/7 that mattered. We ended and my life literally turned grey and things haven't been the same for me I knew blue since I was like 9 years old he was my brother best friend but I liked blue since I was 9 secretly of course because he was like 12 or 13 at the time and way of out my league but he's always been there. The moment I realized we connected there wasn't a moment my heart wasn't racing around him but man this move took its toll, I over stressed and put to much weight on his shouldered and comfort really carried away with what other thought of me and he slipped away ther isn't nothing I wouldn't do to try and make that work again but sadly I know it's to late. I accepted it already and I've been slowly pulling my self together but it isn't easy man there's not a day he isn't thought of or  a day I don't pray and ask God to bring him back. God obviously has better plans for me so this crying I do I know is temporary I'm just a big baby it does leave my depressed still I was supposed to go home for thanks giving but there's no possible way I could ever be in. 50 mile radius of who I believed was the best thing that had happened to me and not want to run back to him like a crazy stalker I would hurt myself so bad so I'm just gonna chill here until I'm emotionally stable and go back home level headed . 

Well that's what going on with me guys  hope everything is well with you if you wanna know anything or have opinions on what I should write next leave comments have a great night ! I love you